I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
