I think my vagina is haunted
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
