I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
