Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
