I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
