I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
