where am i from again
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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