plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
