So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
