i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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