the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
and she was petting her beer can
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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