I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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