You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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