I didn't shave. On purpose
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
