i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
