Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
