Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
