At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
