You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize