i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
