did you get engaged???
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Randomize
