you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
