real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Boobs are out for the taking
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize