When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
