When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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