I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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