You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
