Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
