remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
