Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
