Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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