he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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