just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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