I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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