I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
