I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I fill condoms, not promises.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
