The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
