I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
