i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
