I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
