She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
