ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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