He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
