You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
