The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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