My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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