she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Green mimosas i think yes
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
