I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
