I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
