I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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