Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
