I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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