If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
