He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
