Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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