I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
