when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize