"it" just moved
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize