Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize