You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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