Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
