We won't sleep together?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
